Studies show that 85% of the joy and satisfaction we experience in life comes from our interaction with other people. Become a relationship pro—read these tips to build and maintain positive relationships.

By Alison Greiner, Life Coach

If you are interested in building strong relationships, one rule supercedes all others, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Brian Tracy calls this the Law of Indirect Effort, meaning that we can indirectly get almost everything we want through our relationships with other people; if you are looking for a friend, be a friend; the best way to impress someone is to be impressed by them; if you want someone to be interested in you, be interested in them.

Sure ways to be a relationship pro

Acceptance: One of the deepest human needs is to feel accepted. Accept others without judgment. Accept them for who they are, how they dress and how they speak. Often, accepting people who are different from us can be the greatest acceptance. A great way to express acceptance is with a smile—a smile conveys a thousand words in one gesture.

Approval: Give praise and reinforcement for good behavior. If someone does something you like, give specific praise for their actions, whether it is telling a child he is caring and helpful for helping his sister do the chores, or telling a salesperson she has great telephone manners. When you reinforce positive behavior you will find these actions are repeated more often.

Appreciation and Gratitude: Appreciating what people do and/or say makes them feel valued. Everyone wants to feel that their actions are of circumstance and value; be sure to express your appreciation for others.

Admiration: Admiring someone’s traits or possessions is a great way to boost their self-esteem. Complimenting someone on an article of clothing that you genuinely like is a great form of flattery.

Listen: Can you remember the last time you tried to tell your parent, spouse, friend or boss something and they were picking at their nails, fixing their hair in the window behind you or looking over your shoulder at the television? When someone is talking to you, whether it is your spouse, your boss or your elevator companion, be sure to listen to what they are saying.

On average we think at a rate of 450 to 500 words a minute, but the average person speaks 100 to 150 words a minute. Our ability to think about other things while someone is talking makes concentrating a necessary task. Concentrate on what the other person is saying. Face the person, lean forward slightly and engage in the conversation. Stay focused on them, no mental wandering or interruption. Pause for about three to five seconds before replying, to be sure they aren’t just stopping to take a breath. This will also allow you to take in what has been said. Provide feedback to the speaker. Ask open-ended questions for greater clarity and to promote communication

What not to do

Never criticize: Giving negative criticism is the surest way to lower self-esteem. When you criticize someone it causes them to be angry and makes them not want to contribute to the task, the conversation and possibly the relationship.

When you tear others down, you are also tearing yourself down. Don’t ever do anything that will make someone feel unimportant, such as exclude them from a conversation, not invite them to lunch, insult their attire or tell a joke about them. Always make people feel important, because everyone is important.

Try to avoid arguments: When you argue with someone you send a message that what they are saying is wrong. This is not the type of message you want to relay if you are trying to build a winning relationship.

What can you do daily?

• Everybody has a burning need for more self-esteem and self-worth. Do you feel good when someone goes out of their way to say hello to you? Walk to someone’s office for a hello or compliment someone’s attire or traits. 
• We can’t do anything to make another person feel good without also making ourselves feel good. Fueling your self-esteem while boosting others is a win-win situation. Be sure to give a sincere compliment each day and record it in your Daily Life Improvement Checklist.

The boomerang
Whatever we say about someone else, indirectly or directly, will always come back on us with double force. You hold the boomerang in your hand, so don’t forget what goes around, comes around.

It stems from within
How much we like ourselves relates to how well we get along with other people. We must learn to like and accept ourselves. We can do this by listening to motivational audio and setting goals. This will make you feel enthusiastic, and the happier you are, the better your relationships are. People who are negative and pessimistic have the worst human relations.

Use your Daily Life Improvement Checklist everyday, as you improve so will your relationships.