By Dr. Jonn Matsen

When people you know have experienced the recent loss of a loved one, you might feel uncomfortable around them not knowing what to say or do to help them through this difficult time.

Here are some suggestions to help you feel less awkward:

• Just be there for them if you can and listen if they want to talk.

• Saying something simple such as “I’m sorry for your loss”, or letting them know that you care can be helpful.

• Saying, “I love you”, or showing it by giving a kind hug can be very comforting.

• Keep in mind that people grieve differently. Some people might talk a lot about their loss whereas others may not wish to speak about it at all. Some people need the constant company of family and friends while others may wish to be alone, so allow them their space if this is the case. Some people are very emotional and cry a lot while others show little or no emotion. There is no right or wrong way to grieve so don’t judge; just try to be patient and supportive.

• Those who are grieving may experience many different emotions — anger, shock, depression, denial, etc.—at different times throughout the grieving process. These feelings are all “normal” so try to be as compassionate as possible by allowing them to go through these emotions.

• The grieving person may act strangely. He/she may constantly repeat himself/herself, have difficulty concentrating and making decisions, be forgetful or confused and be restless or agitated. Decreased energy and sleeplessness, or sleeping too much, are also common. Again, do not judge; be as understanding as possible.

• Bringing food and encouraging the grieving person to eat can be very helpful. Those who are grieving often experience a lack of interest in eating and/or don’t have the time or energy to shop for and prepare meals. It’s important that they eat — even if it’s only simple meals — to keep their energy up and their immune system strong.

• For some people, particularly those who have lost a spouse, there are many arrangements and decisions that they will need to make regarding funerals, wills and other financial and legal matters and this can be overwhelming for them. Offer your support, but only if they need it and ask for it. You can also offer to help them find someone who knows how to handle these affairs. Funeral homes often provide a lot of information and help with some of these arrangements.

• Remember that the other family members (spouse, children, etc.) are grieving and need comforting as well.

• Don’t be afraid to talk about the person who has died. It’s often comforting for the grieving person to hear fond memories of their loved one from others.

• Avoid uttering remarks such as, “I know how you feel” (everyone’s experience is different, so you cannot know exactly how they feel), “It’s for the best because he/she was suffering,” “Don’t cry,” “You’ll get over it,” etc. Even though we may mean well when we say these things, they are inappropriate and can be hurtful rather than helpful.

• As time passes, remember to keep in touch and don’t forget to include the grieving person in social functions. It can be especially difficult for someone who has lost a spouse because he/she is no longer part of a couple. Remember to give the grieving person space to be alone.

• There is no set amount of time for grieving. It takes longer than most of us think it will, so continue to be supportive and patient.